A cracked Vase

I am a casualty of war
The fight that is worth fighting for
The fight within, the fight to thrive
The fight to live the fight to survive.
In every journey there's one first place
A futile and exhausting race
To always try to be the best
Weary souls deserve to rest.
Every moment looking back
Is discovered that victory has earned a crack.
Worn and weathered from the wars
You're beautiful in spite of scars
At times we may come to believe
We're without cracks but you're decieved
Every vase that welcomes sun
Has been wounded by someone
Some cracks were part of us at birth
Woven into the tapestry of our worth
No vase is cracked exactly the same
Every life has its own name
We reflect the light in different ways
Full of growth and full of grace
Looking different than one another
Our cracks make us sisters and brothers.💚❤

We are all walking around
Broken vases
Cracked, leaking.
There are rote mundane, plain things about us.
Some extraordinary.
Hidden gems in the depths of us.
That cave very few can touch
Dark and light
At the same time.
We crack at different times
Under different measures of gravity.
Like carousel ponies
Some up some down
All rotating around
The same axis.
We display our paint differently
Each adorned by the skin creasing
Increments of time
Dotted by our paths
Wandering
Lost then found by our own eyes
Illuminated
In their own time.

Days of Awe

You left yesterday
The day after Yom Kippur
Was I a sin you are atoning for?
Just your guilty pleasure and nothing more?
Each day you are away
Is a White paper sheet
A cold and empty road
Waiting for my feet.
Maybe I'm attoning too
Settling for second best
So I'll start off again
My reserve all put to rest.
I am not alone
Not as alone as yesterday when i was under the delusion
Of your long played out charade.
Am I afraid of falling
So deep I make a  well?
I'm more afraid of staying
My soul drowning in a stagnant hell.
I've been alone forever
Even in your arms
I know you have your reasons
And do not mean me any harm.
I have my reasons also
And a path ahead of me
Today I Attone for staying
Today I set me free.

Lessons are parting gifts
Cushioning goodbyes
Karma stings when we think
We're clever enough to lie.
It's never one sided
Three dimensions stand in line
Life is an illusion
Graphically designed.
Nobody is a master
All of us encounter loss
You'll learn as the years go by
You are always your own boss
It is never a puzzle
Or a maze to understand
Often its a clumsy dance
When holding someones hand.
If life is a journey
There are pauses in between
Pop up quizzes of sorts
To see if you know what it means.
Repercussions are real
And karma has working legs
You'll realize you're in too deep
When all you can do is beg
Live in such a way
That your eulogy is a song
And your ending makes them wonder
What did you know all along?

With a career as a graphic designer for a prominent advertising agency a wife and son, 35 year old Anthony Johnson feels like he has it all until one day a seizure at work changes his life forever.  Diagnosed with epilepsy Anthony is forced to relinquish his much loved independence including his drivers license for the next year until his disease is under control.
Indignant and frustrated, Anthony attends weekly doctors appointments with his nueroligist and upon doing so meets 40 year old Gabe Bauman, an upbeat, friendly man.
As the two men become acquaintances and eventually friends Anthony learns of Gabes chilling diagnosis and his perception of his own misfortune drastically changes.
This is a story of two men one fighting for acceptance, the other, fighting for his life and how their two worlds collide in a time when its needed the most.  Will Anthony accept his new diagnosis and how will Gabe help him to see his struggles with humor and grace?

File marked butterfly 🌹🦋

Roses grace the garden
Until it is her time
To make their final entrance
Because even roses die
Roses lose their petals
One by one yet still
They retain their beauty
Roses always will.
Roses shed their glory
In a way no one else does
For roses never mourn
For what yesterday was
They are today's beautiful
Forgetting yesterday
They have no need for reminders
Of how it used to be.
Yesterday's are fading
Names become obscure
Life is a roller coasters path
It all becomes a blur
Autumn seeps into winter
Petals freeze under her breath
Yet remaining fragrant
As life portrays death
Beauty is unwinding
Yet keeps her inner strength
Roses are always beautiful
They're beautiful today
The past is a closed curtain
The future in unclear
The rose may seem hidden
But in reality shes still right here.

I'm still your friend

No matter how you treat me
I will be your friend
That is who I am
And who I'll be til the end
I was created to be loyal
And loyal I will be
I am at your mercy
How will you respond to me?
No response will go unnoticed
No matter what you do
To make my life better
I'll be forever grateful to you.
Showing other humans
What makes me special and great
Petting and attending to me
When I'm in a lonely place
Teaching me how to listen
So I can be a better pet
When finally I'm a adopted
Is that important? You bet!
No matter how you treat me
I will be your friend
My life is a story
And you humans hold the pen
We will always love you
No matter what you do
But that love returned to us
Is the best gift from you.
No act goes unnoticed
Our lives are in your hands
Thank you for listening
I hope you understand
Animals aren't a burden
Yet a burden heavily weighs
To care for the voiceless
In our society today.

I can draw
A self portrait with my words
By erasing.
Tell you who I'm not.
So your expectations ease.
And you see me.
I'm not the strangers best friend.
I'm not a cheerleader.
My brain doesn't do that, and my lips cannot.
I'm void of false enthusiasm.
Its my version of impossible.
Doesn't mean I'm not unstoppable.
I'm a force.
But I'm more gravity than wind.
Silent and strong.
I'm not a strangers best friend.
Not the name tag on my head.
Im not your handshake
Your welcome.
I'm a silent observer
Self preserver and a learned.
My heart cheers like a crowd
Just not out loud
I'm not the strangers best friend.
And if you are?
I'm not yours.
But qe cheer together
Silent and loud
Banned together
Together and proud
You shout phrases
I'll echo in prayer
I may not say a word
But take my word.
I'm there.

Anew

The sound cries out
Loud and strong
Souls respond to recieve the song
People young, old and in between
Accept to the invitation
To become clean.
Mixed with dust from yesterday
Wrestling with what they did not say
Lamenting what they could have done
Who else do we need to become?
Have we said yes enough?
Are we ferverent in expressing our love?
When our life has fluttered by
Will we face contentment when we die?
As the blast of the horn
Awakens us to begin again
The path laid out flat and new
No pressure that its up to you.
Is it up to you and me
Only mere humanity?
Did we create ourselves the first time?
Why do we feel obliged
To reinvent our very soul
 We are unskilled at letting go.
We are asked to look inside
And do what we know to be right
We will never be enough
To earn this unattainable self love.
We, the critic impossible to please
Perfection, an infectious disease
The One who made us the first time
Accepts the flawed version of our lives
The untouched places in our soul
Only God can touch to make whole.
Loosen the grip of your own intentions
To fix the things too dark to mention.
Time, circular and healing
Spirit, light and soul revealing
The shofar calls to me and you
To release perfection and embrace renewal.

You're just starting out
And soon you will find
That this world is both beautiful
And extremely unkind.
You'll run into runners who won't help at all
And you'll run into helpers
Who are there when you fall
There's two kinds of people
Present and not
And the best thing to do
Is be present a lot
Show up for the good things
As well as the bad
If you miss certain things
Those things will make you sad.
If you decide to show up
You'll be incredibly glad.
Be one of those people
Whose there all the time
No matter for who
Be a star that will shine
Help someone thru darkness
With all that you are
Are some point in your life
You'll need that kind of star.
The world will be better
If you be who you are.
The runners will run
They'll never look back
But the helpers will come
At the drop of a hat
There might be occasions
When you would rather run away
Stand your ground. Be a helper.
You might save the day.

Nightmare

Pick one.
Thats what he said.
About 30 leauges outside his head
Pick one or I will choose
To keep them both
And you will lose
I have a gun
I have your will
My mind poised with the
Capacity to kill.
Run away don't look behind
Or think about this child of mine
Understand if you return
To come for her
All hell will burn
I know your weakness
Know your ways
All your fears
Dance across my stage
You were lovely at one time
Beautiful and you were mine
Now you've lost
Your appeal
Our false love is no longer real.
Silent years frozen tears
Etched in each day of your life
This nightmare is a story
Not even you can hide from
Many years later
The story dies with you
Until facts are uncovered
Drowning me with their truth
Secrets come to surface
In a matter of time
As devious as I've become
I cannot run from mine.

I walked away

I was where I've never been before
My heart beat rapidly
Looking around feet firm on the ground
I began this new journey
Long ago dreams
Burst at the seems
My enthusiasm growing each day
I've been knocked down before
But never this far
So I got up
And I walked away.

I've never met anyone quite like you
Walking through the door of my life
You opened my eyes
To amazing surprise
And never once left my side
As time went on I became a burden
You picked my heart into pieces
Accusing me of things unseen
Without justifiable reason.
I had no other choice but to end my stay
I turned around without a good bye
And I walked away.

Whisper me this

Whisper me truth whisper me lies
Whisper me hope as we look to the skies
Dismounting the carousel of pain in our lives
Whisper me strength before I die.

Born into the chaos
Not what i'd have chosen
Had I written this story but what do I know?
I'd never had met you
Our hands not intwined
If the universe whispered me into existence
In another time.
Whisper me tomorrow can't handle today
Seasick from the way uncertainty sways
Together two stories
Rooted in pain
Whisper the prospect of healing again.

I like myself
And my hard head
The things I've not accomplished yet
I like myself and my lack thereof
Nonetheless I'm worthy of love.
The habits I have yet to break
The smiles I have yet to fake
Adversity I've yet to overcome
I like me because I am someone.
The messes I've not cleaned up yet
All the appointments I forget
The disappointment I've created
Renders me only human, not hated.
I like me for its my calling
To love myself even when I'm falling
Love is a commandment to
Include eveyone, including you.
You are allowed to fall apart
But never ever deny your heart
I like myself because I am
I like myself and I'll say it again
When I've failed when I'm lost
I like myself at any cost
I will not join the opinion of
Those who deem me unworthy of love
I have better songs to sing
Promise has given me a ring
I am crowned with righteousness
Simply because it exists.
A product of the uncertainties of life
Disheveled but will be alright
I stand tall even when I slump
I'm regal, for I am someone.
I like that when I am a mess
I still am completely blessed.
Not a product from past mistakes
I'm a warrior, was born that way.
I like myself and all I'm not
I like myself when I'm all I've got
This world can put my on a stage
Tell me how to act my age
Advice is not always sage
Every fad is just a phase.
I like me just the way
I am on any given day
I will stand tall knowing I
 am accepted without even trying
You are loved and you should too
Love yourself, be amazingly you.

How to

There is no how to
On teaching children well
Will they grow up to be successful?
Nobody can tell
No real formula for raising children right
I am not a parent
But perhaps can shed some light.
Be there
Be present even if silent
And unsure what to say
Being there is always helpful
So be there for them always.
Smile
Theres a time for smiling
And a time to set things straight
If you feel the need to smile
Do not hesitate
Positivity won't cure everything
Though it makes the mood light
In the hardest times
Try to find whats right.
Stand firm
Saying no is hard
To say and to hear
This phrase may send a stream of profanity
Right into your ears!
But you really aren't mean
Awful and unfair
You do it out of love
In order to show you care.
Be the example
People need grace
In the form of who you are
Not shouting pouting or screaming
Makes you a shining STAR
Kids see you showing grace
To the foolish slow or ill
They then are inspired
To be kinder still
Be yourself no matter how awkard
Or unable you may feel
Those babies will grow to succeed
When lead by somebody REAL

You go in public praying to
 blend in to the world around you
Knowing that if you stand out
Others will be sure to tell about
Anything that you offer up
Thats different and not quite good enough
You are the bait they'll jump and grab
Thankful that their boredoms fed
Doing what comes naturally
Makings a fool of you and me
Covering their own naked shame
Hiding behind calling you names
Making you the spectacle in their plot
For other people to like them a lot
Looking intelligent putting you down
Every ringmaster needs a clown.
They look official, accurately right
Pointing out what you want to hide.
Bullies manifest the demons within
By painting you as societies sin
You're not immune but you are free
From underserved tyranny
Its not your fault their idle brains
Are ignorant enough to cause you pain
Stand up if needed and walk away
But don't allow them to ruin your day
Be the voice that silences the lies
Let bullies have no alliby.

Cheshire

Sneaky
Green eyed suspect
Polka dot pussycat
Disappearing act
Now you see me
Invisible image
Whisker silhouette
Blinking winking wonder
Over under
Tiptoe thru the tree
Jokes on you
Eyes on me
Feline illusion
Catastrophic disillusion
Catch me man
If you can
Sizzling stripes
Moonlit night
Hides my intention
My shadow
Overshadowed you

I see your rainbow

I see the red
The part of you that holds back fury
Dressed as regret or heartache.
Disappointment tornados into rage
You scream on the inside
Crimson veins run behind your eyes
Your heart pumps scarlet bloodshed
Burning you inside
I see the orange
The passionate fire
The sea of urgency surging with desire
The kindling dreams
Built up then torn down
Only a flame somedays
Somedays bonfires ignight
Inside of you
The yellow
The light
Subtle as you everyday fight
It develops fetal at first
Until its so bright
Your insides burst
You glow within
The mundane days
Do not extinguish what's in you
Shining
The green
The seed
You're not there yet
You may feel brown
But theres more underground
Beauty unfolding
Buds shut tight
Every storm you face
Nourishes the promise
Emerald unfolds
Into you
Blue
I see the soft sky
Encompassed in daydream
The foreboding navy of the dark days
The ones where you wished your eyelids
Covered your toes
Those
 the oceans of your ecstasy
Tumbling like dizzy waves
Crashing doubt
Many shades turn like a page
Elemental blue....calm storm calm
Purple.
Royal regal on the inside
I see your pride
No shame in standing ten feet taller
Than your adversaries
He was your ladder
The one you stepped on with sour socks
Unaware of the climb
His demise
Now you're indigo
Your crown gleams with
True identity
Your rainbow ebbs flows
Twists turns
Metamorphosis is tumultuous
And colorful
Arriving is infinite. And wonderful.

Shades of blue

Royal blue:  be seated!
Cerulean:  but i can flyyyyyyy.
Royal blue: you have too much green in you its why you are crazy. Sit down the movie is about to start.
Cerulean: darling. I AM the movie.
God almost made me red. But he had a better idea so he made meeeee!
Royal blue: the last word in every sentence doesn't have 13 vowels in it. Sit down.
Cerulean: youuuuuu sit down. I can fly.
Sky blue: come fly in me! I'm your vehicle.  I host the creative cloudy process.
Royal blue: stop talking. Stand straight. This is not a game. This is a movie and its starting.
Cerulean: if you would stop being bossy butt you could be my CO star!  This is MY movie. This whole WORLD is my movie. You think I'm part of a rainbow? I AM the rainbow!
I'm NOT telling you to sit down because you are in my way. I'm telling you to sit down because that's what YOU want to do. I want to be the star!!!
 Navy blue: down and give me 20! Just kidding. Hey if you're a star shine in me. I'm dark. But inviting.
Turquoise: hey everyone mellow out. Let cerulean do his thing. Its his thing you know? I'm busy rolling in the ocean waves. Anyone care to join me?
Royal blue. EVERYONE BE QUIET! this is a movie.
Sky blue. Don't you get it man? We are all the stars.
Royal blue. Stars are NOT blue! They're...uhh
Regular blue: um contrary my royal friend the hottest stars are.
Cerulean- amen!
Turquoise-PREACH!
sky- woot! I knew it! We are hot!
Royal blue- we are loud. EVERYONE be quiet. This is no way for colors to behave! 
Cerulean- this is how stars behave. They.....shine. That's right. Shine! Some shine loud some shine quietly. But we are ALL stars in our own movie. And if I sit and be quiet I can't see or be seen! Then who would I be? Oh right.....you. 
Well thats ok. You do you. But I'll do me. Loud proudest a little bit green. Slightly pushy but never mean. Beautiful creative maybe queer when it comes to beauty I have an ear. Eccentric restless moody and sweet. Mixed up fixed up perfectly.... Me.

They say to write what you know. So here goes.  It was July 2017. I was in the coffee house that hosted the church I attended at the time. " i KNOW what you have!" A friend of mine at the time exclaimed. " ASPERGERS! you have aspergers. I had a friend in highschool who had it and she was just like YOU!  Ok.....
A few spoiler alerts. Aspergers is no longer a classification of autism its all ASD autism spectrum disorder. Your friend didn't HAVE autism she HAS it because you're born with it....its a neurological disorder its not acne. Lastly I later discovered that my antisocial tendencies at the time were related to a season of great difficulty paired with mild social anxiety.
I am telling this story not to accuse anyone of anything because I was the biggest fool in the story believing what someone said about me not because of their extensive knowledge on the subject of autism but because at the time my self esteem was so low that if anyone said anything about me I believed them.
This evening began my very long quest of self-esteem discovery paired with learning a great deal about the autism spectrum.  After our conversation that night I ABSOLUTELY believer that I had autism. There was no doubt in my mind and I told a LOT of people. I was never diagnosed by a professional but at the time it made sense though the only " symptom" I had was the desire to be antisocial. And even if I desired to socialize I struggled to do so and realized later it was a lack of confidence paired with other things.
Research. I began to do research. Everything from reading blogs by parents with kids with autism blogs by adults who discovered that they had autism as adults signs and symptoms of autism spectrum disorder videos about young girls on there spectrum( oddly a lot of these took place in England!). I'm talking I read every article from the Mayo clinic to blogs written by teenagers with autism. Facebook forums. You have no idea how many there are.
For a good year I identified as on the spectrum. The friend who very unofficially diagnosed meet and I had countless discussions on my condition. If this person was a physician or psychiatrist these would have been very fruitful discussions but it wasn't the case so our conversations made no sense. " Jamie is an awesome person but she is just autistic so she doesn't communicate well" that statement was hilarious because I worked with this person and of course I communicate well. We taught toddlers together.
The more research I did the more doubtful I began to feel about my conclusion. My life was tospy turvy and my coping mechanism was to withdrawal a bit but is that really a sign of autism?
Childhood. I'm not going to give a complete overview of my childhood
 But there are a few red flags that I pinpointed that made the autism conclusion seem not as strong. I hope whoever reads this has SOME sort of knowledge of the autistic child but if not here are a few very common characteristics.
One very specific area of interest.
Repetitive behavior.
This is a big one
 Plays with toys differently. Ie instead of a child feeding and rocking a doll they use dolls head to bang!
Lack of desire to socialize.
When I was 2 years old I took a trip to Nashville with my parents. My mom told me I befriended the cleaning lady!
When I was 6 or 7 my neighbor was hospitalized. I made her a get well card.
My sister and I had singing contests dancing contest gymnastics contests. Our dolls had extensive soap opera inspired lives 😆 my ability to tell stories was and is absolutely through the roof. I was told by my 5th grade teacher that I had a " vivid imagination". The list goes on.
I'm not perfect and have my issues but I don't think autism is on the list unless I really misunderstand the whole concept of what it is.
Believe in yourself not the words of others.  I studied this disorder so much and so long that it stole my joy.  However as some things in my life began to change the symptoms that lead me to suspect autism also disappeared.  The majority of people on the autism spectrum seem to have one area of interest that they are hyperfocused on. Like a country for example or cars or elephants etc....im sort of Renaissance. I have many different interests. I enjoy writing but I also love music nature art animals social issues etc.
I discovered as a child I had mild sensory issues. But When you are born in the 80s nobody did anything about it and told me to suck it up. So I sucked and at age 39 I'm basically over them and if I'm bothered by I it figure that too will pass. Btw I have sensory seeking and sensory avoidance I will explain some time if anyone's interested. 
I'm a quiet person. O love to talk but I'm not just going to talk to everybody all the time. If that looks like I'm autistic, whatever. People who know me know me and would probably laugh if they knew of my conclusion a few years ago.
I am who I am. I enjoy who I am. If someone wants a more outgoing friend thats awesome and I hope they find it. Meanwhile I'm me and thats all I know how to be.

Porch lights

Fireflies wink
Teasing the darkness
They're sun has retired
The crickets warm up
For their endless cantata
Moths hunt nothing but one another
Manicured wings of white gossamer
Zig zag thru the twilight.
Stoic porch lights gaze
At one another
Neighbors cocooned in their own business
Stubborn as dead larva
Entomology throws nightly soiree
As humans apathetically gaze
Into one another's eyes
On social media.
Take notes from the fireflies.
The crickets serenade potential
Flickers of connection.

Sullivan Island

The misty shore
On a winter's morn
Cool mysterious, haze
Sneakered feet tred the shores
Passing lazy days.
Seagulls plop, osprey alight
Crabs, oblivious put up no fight
Wispy skies the backdrop of
Life and death loss and love.
Crimson ball sets in the sky
Its descent is scarlet paint
A panoramic blanket
Over a town quiet and quaint.
Spring peekaboos with island warmth
Blooms open sleepy eyes
Tradewinds from another place
Dance amoung the skies.

You have everything to prove
Only to your internal adrenaline
Do it proud
Poised you convert potential energy kinetic
Catapult
Until airborne you defy
Gravity logic and time.
Temporary superhero
Til you hit the mat- splat
Still full of grace
Determination paints your face
As you win against
The laws that say
Humans can't fly.

I heard our song today
Your eyes bounced up and down
To its melody
Half smile as time froze
Into a moment's ice cube
I held on
Like a zip line
My heart, aching, knew
Midnight would strike too soon
Horses would be mice again
You would be gone
Eyes vacant
As seconds tic on
Our story enscribed
You bid it goodbye
Fingers unfurled
As the words escaped
Like a breath
We danced
You ran off
To where no one could find you.
I stopped believing you would come back
Your breath was there
Eyes fluttering heart beating
Mind vacant
It's not you
Our song plays
For a moment you are alive
The melody revives your soul
Our gazes dance
Temporary romance
Until the music fades
I see you slip away
Cruelly and bitterly I wish time
Would shut up
Let the darkness encompass you
So you no longer forget my name
Frustration spilling tears
Of shame
I am the thiefs stranger
He stole your awareness
Of us
Our song plays once again
As you temporarily come alive
Dancing with your eyes
With a prince
Whose name you'll never know
This side of forever. 🌹

The poem about anything

Life is a freestyle poem
It stops and flows like traffic
Easy then tedious.
Life is like a song
With rhythm and a backbeat
Dancers....listeners
Concerts lazy on the lawn
Dusk meanders on
Life is like a friend
By your side faithful
Critical at times
Years are like a ruler
Measuring your ways
Calendars flipping thru
Charting everyday.
Life is not a contest
You are not on display
You're simply just a voyager
You are on your way.
No audience before you
No critique behind
Only wisdom you have found
Tucked within your mind.

I like people
Who drink coffee
And think...forever
Who muse and kibbitz and let it all hang out
Like hair spilling from a ponytail holder
Who splash eachother playfully
Because we're all still 6
In some ways.
People who cry at movies
Who are borderline appropriate
Aren't afraid to put the cards one the table
Exposing their hand
Transparent and precocious
Unafraid
Of their DNA
Alive in every way.
Those who limp with joy
When they can't jump
The awkward who laughs at their moments
Of human ness.
The ones with the opinions
They give away like roses
Fragrant and thorny
Handle with care
Watch your nose
Uncover your ears
I love the ones who enter a room
Loud and clear.
The apologetic
When needed
I like the ones who are different colors
Painting the rainbow
Humanity is a tie dyed t shirt
You are a swirl.
Circle the earth.

One flower. 🌹

One flower for her
Who treads the sea of shame.
The dirt of trepidation
Splattered on her name.
Drowning in the burden
Weighed down by pounds of blame.
One flower for her child
Bastard title in his blood
Reaching for the promises
He cannot grasp any one.
Hungry for redemption
Never had the chance
To receive a happy ending
Due to circumstance.
One for the redeemers
Who redeem the forgotten ones
Reaching out to orphans
Calling them their sons.
Pressing on thru the impossible
Loving nonetheless
Healing the remains
Of brokenness.
One flower for the ones
Who every day have tried
To impart wisdom and reason
To a nation run by pride
Voices hoarse and weary
Yet always pressing on
Praying night and day
For a hope not too far gone.
One flower for the blind
At least they can smell
May they receive heaven's wisdom
Though their hearts agree with hell
The fragrance is a wake up call
That all life has its worth
Needs freedom from oppression
A chance and a rebirth.

Part deux

Daggers

Because bullies are endangered species
Poison dart frog juice kissed my arrow
Bidding her good luck
As she ricochets off the pully
Aim is purposed
Gravity postponed
As every thought and emotion
Travels on the winds lottery
Fate squints aims and sticks it
You yowl
Like its an ambush
And you didn't get the memo
That your number is called
Your up
Your turn
Nothing is free
Pay up
This is no surprise
Judgement day doesn't care
What your name is
If your mama is on your side
She raised a fool
Amnesty-denied.

An invasion
Of the neutral
Unpaused interruption
Day In and out
Snickers pitter patter out of your mouth
Like mouse feet
The grain is spoiled
By your pee and presence
You are small
You paint yourself big
Like ridiculous crayon loops
Nonsense birthed from boredom
And it lands on my head
Like lukewarm raindrops
And you stole my umbrella.

Spring bounty

Passion flies
In rivulets of wings
Mystic prisms
Of undercover color
Gems awakened by the waxing sun
Solar soliloquy
Little diamonds run
Landing as dew
On dandelion wings
Children pluck their blooms
Tall and fuzzy
Yellow, dizzy
Astroturf of emerald grass
Floral hunting
Purple polka dots peekaboo
Obvious pink tulips stand, stately, stationary
Miniature yellow blooms
Too little for attention
Feet smash their poetry
A hand carresses her delicate existence
Small and belle as she
Yellow shines
Luminescent, though microscopic
Yellow yells, sometimes
Can't help herself
Purple has her royal glory
Yellow has her own story.

The moonlight played
With the subtle waves
The lakes version
Of the ocean
Feeble yet glowing
Blinking like a drowsy cat
Under the luminous spectacle.

The moon is a copycat
I feel like one sometime
Not an original thought within
Though nothing about me is counterfeit
Everything is birthed from the moment
Sweet and warm and new
Even my angst.
Breath ebbs and flows
We concoct thoughts figures, memories.
Nothing is unoriginal
All is sacred
The wails Of The newborn
The warning of the sages
All fire.
All light.
All worth introspection.
They human race is a book
There are no followers
Only readers
And writers
Inventors
Fighters
Heartbeats are art
Thump bumping art
Masterpieces
Silent and steady
Til death is ready.

Deliverance

I don't normally write blogs because I don't usually have the patience but in the spirit of Passover I have been thinking. God has parted a lot of seas in my life this past year. A lot. And I am very grateful, but sometimes i am forgetful! Just like the israelites when's they received their freedom. Joyful one minute. Slaves again the next. This year I have seen freedom from financial stress. I have enough money now. I'm no millionaire. But I am not terrified of when is my next paycheck coming and can I make it till then, and if not who can I borrow from and did I pay them back from last time??? Yet I still own very little because I am afraid of spending money. I'm still in that poor mindset. Its great to save but It's ok to breathe!!!
A terrible un diagnosis.
Some person who is absolutely not a psychologist suggested I had aspergers/ autism. Being also not a psychologist I believed them never mind the loads of evidence that suggests the contrary. So I'm free. I was tested in preschool came back a no yet some days I still feel impaired. Its not neurological its psychological and its bondage. And its phooey. 😀😀😀 I can do whatever I set my mind to and I'm not limited in the least.
Ok. This one is sad. My father is gone. I miss him and I miss the person he was. He helped me grow a lot when I was er growing up. That being said the bond of depression is broken in our family. Its a bittersweet freedom. No more fear but no more dad and i miss our times with him.
I wish there was some way I could help those struggling with depression.
The Jews hated being slaves (whats to love?) But they were terrified of freedom because it came with responsibility.  The good news if we recieve the freedom we have the strength to drive this beautiful vehicle. It might be going 20 mph for awhile, but don't worry. God won't honk at you to go faster. He will patiently wait while you try it on and find your pace.

Life is always uncertain. We will be asked to face our fair share of challenges.  But make no mistake about one thing. We are free. Bondage and slavery have NO part in the human experience. It means my fathers disease was not mine. It means someone else's guess as to why I am the way I am does not have to define me.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion. However I absolutely do not have to strap it to my back and haul it around like a donkey!  I am free to see myself the say I choose. If you got this far than you for reading and enjoy your freedom its your greatest gift. ❤

Before

There were wars

There were winds

There were stars

Blazing from within

Before the drive to dominate

There was peace

In the grass

As it swayed obediently

Under the earths forces.

War was spontaneous

Ended in peace

As dandelion buds exited

The ring

The wind leading them away

Like a drunk friend

We drink pride

It intoxicates us

To the point where men are pawns

Ponies are vehicles

Chariots are monsters

We are king.

Bad news.

The sea doesn't care

She swallows you up til you are words on a page

A memory

Victim of rage.

The rainbow part

We have our freedom and thats a start
But what about the rainbow part?
We've been redeemed theres gratitude
What about our attitude?
What more on earth do we need?
We were captives, now we're freed
We are to lives as we please
Out of the bonds of slavery.
 however there is one more thing
Subtle but of great great need
We are free from being slaves
But a promise must be made
God made a rainbow after the ark
Its now our turn to turn to Him
We can live in apathy
Or celebrate each day we're free
He made a promise no more flood
Then covered doorposts with animal blood
To dave us from deaths visitation
Now without hesitation
Rainbows we form in our heart
Promise we will never part
From the ways that saved us all
No miracle is ever small.

Are you my mother?

It's a sarcastic question
Because you fasten my buttons
And I'm old enough to vote
I've been writing since I was 5
But when I sign my name- you gloat
The only comfort I ride on
Is other sons are in the same boat
Its not that I'm not flattered
Its just I'm flattened out with praise
Not that I am ashamed of you
I just need solitary days
Its Not that I don't love you
The opposite is true
Its just that liked chopped liver
I'm smoshed and smushed bye you!
I've been 30 for ten years now
Thats 40 to you Ma
Theres a 4 in there somewhere
But I became adult somehow
I'm fully capable of being
My own person my own man
I do not mean to hurt you
And I hope you understand
I'm nothing but grateful
Devoted and true
I just need a minute
Without gusts of praise for you
I know this script might kill you
But that's totally ok
Because if you go to heaven
I'll be there the same day
What is heaven really?
Without your favorite son
But I hope that it is vast
Shall I ever need to run!

Me
I yam who I yam
And thats not gonna change
You can wrinkle your nose
Finding me strange
You cannot define me
Not my personal dictionary
Picking personalities apart
Can be a bit hairy
Hair by hair
Word by word
Caught between a 2 edged sword
Impossible to etch me out
Its not what life is all about
I am me
Thats all ok
My quirks will not
Ruin your day
People are not puzzles
Puzzling as they can be
If you want a case to solve
Come solve one with me
Discussions are a vessel
For understanding one another
Remove your shades
Dull your blades
You may find a brother.

Ovation

Temperature rises
Steadily, gingerly
Like a frightened widow peeking out
For The coast all clear....
Rumble rumble-BOOM!!!!
temper tantrum clears the room
Water clear and cold
Rushes steady, angry, bold
Til the sod is sodden
Rivers of floods swim by
Aching swells of water
Descending from the sky.
Flashes from some far off place
Drizzle drip then stop
Grey then light
As birds take flight
Bathed in the last drop

Love is
Love is not you
You are a box
Love is spherical
It's everything you're not
Love is not you
If it was you wouldn't last
Love is moving slowly
When your heart is beating fast
Feet get tired
Before love retreats her call
It's a maze, a jumbled haze a blessed know it all.
Love is a mouse
Consuming all the cheese
It takes quakes shakes and makes you new
Rarely saying please
Love is awkward
Often love is hard
Fat fingers reaching to accept a pea size greeting card.
It's a twister, twisting up your brain
Its a tentative remedy to another person's pain.
It reaches inside, like fingers made of smoke
Rearranging everything
Stuff you never thought was broke
Sometimes its ugly
Sometimes you have to lie
And say it's going to be ok as agony goes by
It's a puzzle, navigated piece by piece
Enlarging the cells in your puny heart
Til its capacity is increased.
She's a moth, all her color drained
As she decorates the butterfly- yet never feels pain.

Him

He's was lost
Sweet and sudden
Our bear
Protector
I don't have any pictures
To recreate the image
The contentment taken for granted
He was the always
The sobriety
I never knew existed
The invisible glue
Til he unraveled
I unraveled too
Hosting the addictions
Writing pages too fast
Escaping the new reality
Racing to the past
Him
There new nightmare
The paranoia
Stay away
My life is quivering normal
Its on a teeter totter of....ok
Doing all I can
To keep it that way
I've got a racket
Shes got a ticket
Questions
Shes not afraid
I was incredibly angry
Over their encounter that day
He.
Heal
Healing
No.
Only a stranger
I won't let go
He lives in their basement
The gentle captive ghost
My heart full of grief
Is his reluctant host
How could a stranger
Shady full of shame
Erase the hold of memories
We know only his first name
The dark side of lost love
Mysterious and old
Maybe in a way
He is not so cold
Have to let go
Allow time to do its bidding
It makes little sense
Though in some way
It's also very fitting.

Adolescence

It creeps in
You don't know
One day you are playing
The next day you are still playing
Feeling bulky
And moody
Yourself
In a time machine
Eons from yesterday
Trying to remember
If its ok
To be you
You're reading too much
Pages, books, people
Tweaking your thoughts
To mirror your twisted peers
Pioneers in todays fad
Tomorrows throwaway
You are two hours late to the party
Endure a year as a laughingstock
So you go, and play
The dolls become pawns of shame
In your mirror image of the circle game
Playing,  you are queen
Who calls the shots and arranges things
Back to tomorrows reality
You once again are the scapegoat
For the mini society
Of adolescent kings and queens
You are the jester
For so many reasons
Yet you play along
Forbidding treason
Mom and dad call these people friends
All the sudden
Its redefined
What a friend is
And how many hoops you have to jump thru
To retain the illusion
That you are worthy.

People like flowers
Because they are for all occasions
Happy sad, in between.
People are like flowers because they are for all occasions
Happy sad and in between.
Flowers are like people
Because they have colors and moods and seasons
They all bloom and different times
And aren't bright forever.
Flowers have their peaks and people narvel
People have pinnacles of brilliance
And all bystanders do
Is wonder with judgement
Why it didn't last longer
All the while caressing a rose
White and innocent
Its end product the result of years
Why can't we be more like a flower?
O but we are.
We have thorns
And roots
Foul odors
Fruits
Years when we shine
Days when our petals fall
A person whos not like a flower
Is no person at all.

What i saw today

My eyes are a journal
A dictation of my perception
And im sad that its being wasted on a piece of abc gum on the sidewalk
But i saw a bird
And she had a red beak
And a pleasant song
Im not disappointed
Never when wildlife graces my collection.
I saw,  today a conversation.
Normally you her them
But im not an eavesdropper( normally)
But I saw the people talking
And in my imagination
It wasn't boring
I need something else in my collection
Of red beaked birds
And pre used gum.
I saw a weed once
And called her a flower
Because no one else probably ever did
And all vegetation deserves a dress
If only in my perception.

They want you to write happy
Funny
Like Facebook memes
Jelly beans worth of humor
Fit into their tiny attention span
So they can like you
And themselves
And poetry.
So you think of the last funny thing you heard
And try to make it into a poem.
Or write about cats.
So your poem can be the equivalent of a funny cat video.
Then everyone will like you.
And the important uncomfortable stuff will be filed into your memory
Like a stuffed animal
Oragamied into an easter eggs
Its plush oozing out of the plastic
Like your passion oozing out of your head.
Meanwhile you have a crappy cat poem
And you would rather clean a litter box
Than read it out loud
But that's what the people want.
Midway you ball up your catastrophe
And write the real thing
Comfortable with the uncomfortable theme.
Crying and holding your breath
Don't feel the same
You are tired of playing the cat poem game
Words breathe out
Like a hissing balloon
Cats out of the bag
Couldn't happen too soon
You sacrificed novelty
For freeze dried truth.
Perhaps you succeeded
Or perhaps this is bad
But the time was had
For the moment Im glad.