They say to write what you know. So here goes.  It was July 2017. I was in the coffee house that hosted the church I attended at the time. " i KNOW what you have!" A friend of mine at the time exclaimed. " ASPERGERS! you have aspergers. I had a friend in highschool who had it and she was just like YOU!  Ok.....
A few spoiler alerts. Aspergers is no longer a classification of autism its all ASD autism spectrum disorder. Your friend didn't HAVE autism she HAS it because you're born with it....its a neurological disorder its not acne. Lastly I later discovered that my antisocial tendencies at the time were related to a season of great difficulty paired with mild social anxiety.
I am telling this story not to accuse anyone of anything because I was the biggest fool in the story believing what someone said about me not because of their extensive knowledge on the subject of autism but because at the time my self esteem was so low that if anyone said anything about me I believed them.
This evening began my very long quest of self-esteem discovery paired with learning a great deal about the autism spectrum.  After our conversation that night I ABSOLUTELY believer that I had autism. There was no doubt in my mind and I told a LOT of people. I was never diagnosed by a professional but at the time it made sense though the only " symptom" I had was the desire to be antisocial. And even if I desired to socialize I struggled to do so and realized later it was a lack of confidence paired with other things.
Research. I began to do research. Everything from reading blogs by parents with kids with autism blogs by adults who discovered that they had autism as adults signs and symptoms of autism spectrum disorder videos about young girls on there spectrum( oddly a lot of these took place in England!). I'm talking I read every article from the Mayo clinic to blogs written by teenagers with autism. Facebook forums. You have no idea how many there are.
For a good year I identified as on the spectrum. The friend who very unofficially diagnosed meet and I had countless discussions on my condition. If this person was a physician or psychiatrist these would have been very fruitful discussions but it wasn't the case so our conversations made no sense. " Jamie is an awesome person but she is just autistic so she doesn't communicate well" that statement was hilarious because I worked with this person and of course I communicate well. We taught toddlers together.
The more research I did the more doubtful I began to feel about my conclusion. My life was tospy turvy and my coping mechanism was to withdrawal a bit but is that really a sign of autism?
Childhood. I'm not going to give a complete overview of my childhood
 But there are a few red flags that I pinpointed that made the autism conclusion seem not as strong. I hope whoever reads this has SOME sort of knowledge of the autistic child but if not here are a few very common characteristics.
One very specific area of interest.
Repetitive behavior.
This is a big one
 Plays with toys differently. Ie instead of a child feeding and rocking a doll they use dolls head to bang!
Lack of desire to socialize.
When I was 2 years old I took a trip to Nashville with my parents. My mom told me I befriended the cleaning lady!
When I was 6 or 7 my neighbor was hospitalized. I made her a get well card.
My sister and I had singing contests dancing contest gymnastics contests. Our dolls had extensive soap opera inspired lives 😆 my ability to tell stories was and is absolutely through the roof. I was told by my 5th grade teacher that I had a " vivid imagination". The list goes on.
I'm not perfect and have my issues but I don't think autism is on the list unless I really misunderstand the whole concept of what it is.
Believe in yourself not the words of others.  I studied this disorder so much and so long that it stole my joy.  However as some things in my life began to change the symptoms that lead me to suspect autism also disappeared.  The majority of people on the autism spectrum seem to have one area of interest that they are hyperfocused on. Like a country for example or cars or elephants etc....im sort of Renaissance. I have many different interests. I enjoy writing but I also love music nature art animals social issues etc.
I discovered as a child I had mild sensory issues. But When you are born in the 80s nobody did anything about it and told me to suck it up. So I sucked and at age 39 I'm basically over them and if I'm bothered by I it figure that too will pass. Btw I have sensory seeking and sensory avoidance I will explain some time if anyone's interested. 
I'm a quiet person. O love to talk but I'm not just going to talk to everybody all the time. If that looks like I'm autistic, whatever. People who know me know me and would probably laugh if they knew of my conclusion a few years ago.
I am who I am. I enjoy who I am. If someone wants a more outgoing friend thats awesome and I hope they find it. Meanwhile I'm me and thats all I know how to be.

Porch lights

Fireflies wink
Teasing the darkness
They're sun has retired
The crickets warm up
For their endless cantata
Moths hunt nothing but one another
Manicured wings of white gossamer
Zig zag thru the twilight.
Stoic porch lights gaze
At one another
Neighbors cocooned in their own business
Stubborn as dead larva
Entomology throws nightly soiree
As humans apathetically gaze
Into one another's eyes
On social media.
Take notes from the fireflies.
The crickets serenade potential
Flickers of connection.

Sullivan Island

The misty shore
On a winter's morn
Cool mysterious, haze
Sneakered feet tred the shores
Passing lazy days.
Seagulls plop, osprey alight
Crabs, oblivious put up no fight
Wispy skies the backdrop of
Life and death loss and love.
Crimson ball sets in the sky
Its descent is scarlet paint
A panoramic blanket
Over a town quiet and quaint.
Spring peekaboos with island warmth
Blooms open sleepy eyes
Tradewinds from another place
Dance amoung the skies.

You have everything to prove
Only to your internal adrenaline
Do it proud
Poised you convert potential energy kinetic
Catapult
Until airborne you defy
Gravity logic and time.
Temporary superhero
Til you hit the mat- splat
Still full of grace
Determination paints your face
As you win against
The laws that say
Humans can't fly.

I heard our song today
Your eyes bounced up and down
To its melody
Half smile as time froze
Into a moment's ice cube
I held on
Like a zip line
My heart, aching, knew
Midnight would strike too soon
Horses would be mice again
You would be gone
Eyes vacant
As seconds tic on
Our story enscribed
You bid it goodbye
Fingers unfurled
As the words escaped
Like a breath
We danced
You ran off
To where no one could find you.
I stopped believing you would come back
Your breath was there
Eyes fluttering heart beating
Mind vacant
It's not you
Our song plays
For a moment you are alive
The melody revives your soul
Our gazes dance
Temporary romance
Until the music fades
I see you slip away
Cruelly and bitterly I wish time
Would shut up
Let the darkness encompass you
So you no longer forget my name
Frustration spilling tears
Of shame
I am the thiefs stranger
He stole your awareness
Of us
Our song plays once again
As you temporarily come alive
Dancing with your eyes
With a prince
Whose name you'll never know
This side of forever. 🌹

The poem about anything

Life is a freestyle poem
It stops and flows like traffic
Easy then tedious.
Life is like a song
With rhythm and a backbeat
Dancers....listeners
Concerts lazy on the lawn
Dusk meanders on
Life is like a friend
By your side faithful
Critical at times
Years are like a ruler
Measuring your ways
Calendars flipping thru
Charting everyday.
Life is not a contest
You are not on display
You're simply just a voyager
You are on your way.
No audience before you
No critique behind
Only wisdom you have found
Tucked within your mind.