You go in public praying to
 blend in to the world around you
Knowing that if you stand out
Others will be sure to tell about
Anything that you offer up
Thats different and not quite good enough
You are the bait they'll jump and grab
Thankful that their boredoms fed
Doing what comes naturally
Makings a fool of you and me
Covering their own naked shame
Hiding behind calling you names
Making you the spectacle in their plot
For other people to like them a lot
Looking intelligent putting you down
Every ringmaster needs a clown.
They look official, accurately right
Pointing out what you want to hide.
Bullies manifest the demons within
By painting you as societies sin
You're not immune but you are free
From underserved tyranny
Its not your fault their idle brains
Are ignorant enough to cause you pain
Stand up if needed and walk away
But don't allow them to ruin your day
Be the voice that silences the lies
Let bullies have no alliby.

Cheshire

Sneaky
Green eyed suspect
Polka dot pussycat
Disappearing act
Now you see me
Invisible image
Whisker silhouette
Blinking winking wonder
Over under
Tiptoe thru the tree
Jokes on you
Eyes on me
Feline illusion
Catastrophic disillusion
Catch me man
If you can
Sizzling stripes
Moonlit night
Hides my intention
My shadow
Overshadowed you

I see your rainbow

I see the red
The part of you that holds back fury
Dressed as regret or heartache.
Disappointment tornados into rage
You scream on the inside
Crimson veins run behind your eyes
Your heart pumps scarlet bloodshed
Burning you inside
I see the orange
The passionate fire
The sea of urgency surging with desire
The kindling dreams
Built up then torn down
Only a flame somedays
Somedays bonfires ignight
Inside of you
The yellow
The light
Subtle as you everyday fight
It develops fetal at first
Until its so bright
Your insides burst
You glow within
The mundane days
Do not extinguish what's in you
Shining
The green
The seed
You're not there yet
You may feel brown
But theres more underground
Beauty unfolding
Buds shut tight
Every storm you face
Nourishes the promise
Emerald unfolds
Into you
Blue
I see the soft sky
Encompassed in daydream
The foreboding navy of the dark days
The ones where you wished your eyelids
Covered your toes
Those
 the oceans of your ecstasy
Tumbling like dizzy waves
Crashing doubt
Many shades turn like a page
Elemental blue....calm storm calm
Purple.
Royal regal on the inside
I see your pride
No shame in standing ten feet taller
Than your adversaries
He was your ladder
The one you stepped on with sour socks
Unaware of the climb
His demise
Now you're indigo
Your crown gleams with
True identity
Your rainbow ebbs flows
Twists turns
Metamorphosis is tumultuous
And colorful
Arriving is infinite. And wonderful.

Shades of blue

Royal blue:  be seated!
Cerulean:  but i can flyyyyyyy.
Royal blue: you have too much green in you its why you are crazy. Sit down the movie is about to start.
Cerulean: darling. I AM the movie.
God almost made me red. But he had a better idea so he made meeeee!
Royal blue: the last word in every sentence doesn't have 13 vowels in it. Sit down.
Cerulean: youuuuuu sit down. I can fly.
Sky blue: come fly in me! I'm your vehicle.  I host the creative cloudy process.
Royal blue: stop talking. Stand straight. This is not a game. This is a movie and its starting.
Cerulean: if you would stop being bossy butt you could be my CO star!  This is MY movie. This whole WORLD is my movie. You think I'm part of a rainbow? I AM the rainbow!
I'm NOT telling you to sit down because you are in my way. I'm telling you to sit down because that's what YOU want to do. I want to be the star!!!
 Navy blue: down and give me 20! Just kidding. Hey if you're a star shine in me. I'm dark. But inviting.
Turquoise: hey everyone mellow out. Let cerulean do his thing. Its his thing you know? I'm busy rolling in the ocean waves. Anyone care to join me?
Royal blue. EVERYONE BE QUIET! this is a movie.
Sky blue. Don't you get it man? We are all the stars.
Royal blue. Stars are NOT blue! They're...uhh
Regular blue: um contrary my royal friend the hottest stars are.
Cerulean- amen!
Turquoise-PREACH!
sky- woot! I knew it! We are hot!
Royal blue- we are loud. EVERYONE be quiet. This is no way for colors to behave! 
Cerulean- this is how stars behave. They.....shine. That's right. Shine! Some shine loud some shine quietly. But we are ALL stars in our own movie. And if I sit and be quiet I can't see or be seen! Then who would I be? Oh right.....you. 
Well thats ok. You do you. But I'll do me. Loud proudest a little bit green. Slightly pushy but never mean. Beautiful creative maybe queer when it comes to beauty I have an ear. Eccentric restless moody and sweet. Mixed up fixed up perfectly.... Me.

They say to write what you know. So here goes.  It was July 2017. I was in the coffee house that hosted the church I attended at the time. " i KNOW what you have!" A friend of mine at the time exclaimed. " ASPERGERS! you have aspergers. I had a friend in highschool who had it and she was just like YOU!  Ok.....
A few spoiler alerts. Aspergers is no longer a classification of autism its all ASD autism spectrum disorder. Your friend didn't HAVE autism she HAS it because you're born with it....its a neurological disorder its not acne. Lastly I later discovered that my antisocial tendencies at the time were related to a season of great difficulty paired with mild social anxiety.
I am telling this story not to accuse anyone of anything because I was the biggest fool in the story believing what someone said about me not because of their extensive knowledge on the subject of autism but because at the time my self esteem was so low that if anyone said anything about me I believed them.
This evening began my very long quest of self-esteem discovery paired with learning a great deal about the autism spectrum.  After our conversation that night I ABSOLUTELY believer that I had autism. There was no doubt in my mind and I told a LOT of people. I was never diagnosed by a professional but at the time it made sense though the only " symptom" I had was the desire to be antisocial. And even if I desired to socialize I struggled to do so and realized later it was a lack of confidence paired with other things.
Research. I began to do research. Everything from reading blogs by parents with kids with autism blogs by adults who discovered that they had autism as adults signs and symptoms of autism spectrum disorder videos about young girls on there spectrum( oddly a lot of these took place in England!). I'm talking I read every article from the Mayo clinic to blogs written by teenagers with autism. Facebook forums. You have no idea how many there are.
For a good year I identified as on the spectrum. The friend who very unofficially diagnosed meet and I had countless discussions on my condition. If this person was a physician or psychiatrist these would have been very fruitful discussions but it wasn't the case so our conversations made no sense. " Jamie is an awesome person but she is just autistic so she doesn't communicate well" that statement was hilarious because I worked with this person and of course I communicate well. We taught toddlers together.
The more research I did the more doubtful I began to feel about my conclusion. My life was tospy turvy and my coping mechanism was to withdrawal a bit but is that really a sign of autism?
Childhood. I'm not going to give a complete overview of my childhood
 But there are a few red flags that I pinpointed that made the autism conclusion seem not as strong. I hope whoever reads this has SOME sort of knowledge of the autistic child but if not here are a few very common characteristics.
One very specific area of interest.
Repetitive behavior.
This is a big one
 Plays with toys differently. Ie instead of a child feeding and rocking a doll they use dolls head to bang!
Lack of desire to socialize.
When I was 2 years old I took a trip to Nashville with my parents. My mom told me I befriended the cleaning lady!
When I was 6 or 7 my neighbor was hospitalized. I made her a get well card.
My sister and I had singing contests dancing contest gymnastics contests. Our dolls had extensive soap opera inspired lives 😆 my ability to tell stories was and is absolutely through the roof. I was told by my 5th grade teacher that I had a " vivid imagination". The list goes on.
I'm not perfect and have my issues but I don't think autism is on the list unless I really misunderstand the whole concept of what it is.
Believe in yourself not the words of others.  I studied this disorder so much and so long that it stole my joy.  However as some things in my life began to change the symptoms that lead me to suspect autism also disappeared.  The majority of people on the autism spectrum seem to have one area of interest that they are hyperfocused on. Like a country for example or cars or elephants etc....im sort of Renaissance. I have many different interests. I enjoy writing but I also love music nature art animals social issues etc.
I discovered as a child I had mild sensory issues. But When you are born in the 80s nobody did anything about it and told me to suck it up. So I sucked and at age 39 I'm basically over them and if I'm bothered by I it figure that too will pass. Btw I have sensory seeking and sensory avoidance I will explain some time if anyone's interested. 
I'm a quiet person. O love to talk but I'm not just going to talk to everybody all the time. If that looks like I'm autistic, whatever. People who know me know me and would probably laugh if they knew of my conclusion a few years ago.
I am who I am. I enjoy who I am. If someone wants a more outgoing friend thats awesome and I hope they find it. Meanwhile I'm me and thats all I know how to be.

Porch lights

Fireflies wink
Teasing the darkness
They're sun has retired
The crickets warm up
For their endless cantata
Moths hunt nothing but one another
Manicured wings of white gossamer
Zig zag thru the twilight.
Stoic porch lights gaze
At one another
Neighbors cocooned in their own business
Stubborn as dead larva
Entomology throws nightly soiree
As humans apathetically gaze
Into one another's eyes
On social media.
Take notes from the fireflies.
The crickets serenade potential
Flickers of connection.

Sullivan Island

The misty shore
On a winter's morn
Cool mysterious, haze
Sneakered feet tred the shores
Passing lazy days.
Seagulls plop, osprey alight
Crabs, oblivious put up no fight
Wispy skies the backdrop of
Life and death loss and love.
Crimson ball sets in the sky
Its descent is scarlet paint
A panoramic blanket
Over a town quiet and quaint.
Spring peekaboos with island warmth
Blooms open sleepy eyes
Tradewinds from another place
Dance amoung the skies.